I remember lying in bed when I was six or seven years old, the darkness surrounding me as I closed my eyes. I lifted my hands up to my face and placed my fingers on top of my eye lids, pressing lightly, performing my bedtime ritual. 

Oh, my God. 

My left eye was protruding farther out than my right eye. I could feel it! My pulse quickened as I lightly pressed my right eye, carefully comparing the feeling from one lid to the other.  

A sinking feeling filled my stomach. What was I going to do when my eye fell out? I opened my eyes and tensed for a moment. 

Wait.  

Was I sure about that? I closed my eyes again. Was it actually sticking out, or was that just my imagination? I pressed again, alternating pressure between each side.  

What would I do if my eye fell out?  

This went on for some length of time, night after night. It might have lasted minutes, or it might have lasted hours. I could have done this three nights in a row, maybe ten, maybe 100. I don’t remember.

Eventually I stopped. I grew older. And then, as a 22-year-old young adult, I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  

There were other worries in that 15-year span. Other anxieties, other obsessive doubts. Endless hours ruminating, thinking, planning, stressing, panicking.   

There were therapists. Prozac. Hugs. Tears. (Important fact: There weren't tidy rooms, scrubbed hands, perfectly aligned books on my shelves. No counting of steps, meticulous organization, or clocks all set to the exact same time, either.)  

There was just me and my endless compulsion of rumination. Throw in the occasional journaling of various thoughts (for a record, in case I needed them at a date TBD), and that was my OCD.  

In the years since, I've added in therapy, Reddit, and books. A wide variety of medicines, too. Hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars spent on talk therapy and Exposure Response Prevention (the "gold standard" for OCD treatment). Thousands of dollars to be spent on Inference-Based Cognitive Behavior Therapy (ICBT--an alternative to ERP therapy which I started several weeks ago).  

 Depression.  

 Missed work. 

 Weight loss. 

 Weight gain.

So, no, you will never see me selling something that says "Obsessive Candle Disorder." I won't say that I have “Obsessive Christmas Disorder” (although I do love Christmas). I won't announce "I'm so OCD!" as I giggle about my preference for my display laid out a certain way.  

When I go to bed tonight, I won't press my fingers on my eye lids, trying to determine if my left eye will fall out.  

However, I will take 400mg of generic Luvox.